Bad Santa
(USA 2003, director: Terry Zwigoff)

It’s a brave move by a director to show an unsympathetic character in a Santa suit who constantly swears, is drunk and has sex with who’s available. The movie can be criticised because at first glance the only selling point seems to be the idea of how far can you go with the crude humor and a revolting main protagonist. But that’s not really true. Sure the humor is pretty crude and curse words are consistently used, but there’s some heart in it and Billy Bob Thornton’s performance fits in every situation, Brad Kelly, The Kid, shows his opposite, the naivitee, but not stupidity of Christmas values. Character development isn’t all that apparent, but this doesn’t pose a problem. Even though one doesn’t learn much from Thornton’s character (from his past), this is exactly WHY it works as no forced “bad childhood” story is constructed and hit on every time (a problem so many other Christmas movies face when it comes down to a sudden realization one can change; which is most prominent in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol).
One shouldn’t really see too much in it even though there is a moral at the end and a critical undertone of commercialism and hypocrisy. It’s more like a fun ride with one comic scene following the other, a X-Mas flick which can be enjoyed throughout the year.

Rating: 8/10
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Gremlins
(USA 1984, director: Joe Dante)

I remember watching this for the first time when I already knew what happened to the small town because the sequel was my first contact with the little monsters. So of course some of the surprise was gone. Now after so many years of Gremlins during Christmas time there’s not much suspense left and the cutesy-factor of Gizmo wears off. Still the movie has so many memorable scenes and dialogues that it’s easy to dismiss it as an outdated flick which gets boring. The little monsters are still fun to watch, their animations and looks being just right. The music is catchy, and the chemistry between the characters (especially Phoebe Cates and Zach Galligan) works just fine. And I’ll always remember that one line with Kate telling Billy during Christmas: “On Christmas some people open their hearts, others their wrists”. It has an off-beat humor as well when she tells him the story with her father (not to spoil anything here) which I only recently found out refers to an urban legend.
The sequel might be more over-the-top with crazier ideas, but this one feels so much more coherent and round even if one knows what’s happening…especially to a certain old lady, Mrs. Beagle, the female version of Dickens’ Scrooge character.

Rating: 8/10
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The Nightmare Before Christmas
(USA 1993, director: Henry Selick)

Now this is a strange thing: As much as I loved Tim Burton’s old movies (Batman, Edward Scissorhands,Ed Wood), this animated flick went through different stages of appreciation: First I didn’t really get what all the fuss was about, then when watching it a second time at the Film Society of Birmingham University with lots of other people I caught all the small parts which sprang from a completely different perspective. It’s difficult to explain, I just thought the idea of looking at Christmas from a scientist’s (read: don’t-have-a-clue-what-it-is-but-find-out-anyway character) point of view. How does one explain the whole presents thing to a group of monsters? Still I always got the impression this is not so much a Christmas-movie, but more suitable for Halloween, especially with the Bogeyman who’s animation for me never felt right. Something quite disturbing about his moves (and let’s not talk about the weird 6+ age rating system in Germany).
Stranger still even with those weird-looking characters I kind of seem to have grown out of the humor…and also the singing. I’ve never been a fan of musicals (as I think you can tell something in fewer words and it just looks weird if people start singing, especially in a serious situation) and Disney songs are always a hit-or-miss affair when it gets too pathetic. In this case there are still some catchy tunes, but all in all it’s a bit too childish at points for my taste. It might also have something to do with me getting tired of Tim Burton being seen as the “weird kid in the movie industry” (I think Kevin Smith said something like that during an interview when he was a bit displeased with what “the guy with the strange hair” did TO the dark Batman franchise). I’m aware the movie has a big cult following, but I can do well without watching it every Christmas (or Halloween for that matter).

Rating: 6/10
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How The Grinch Stole Christmas (live action)
(USA 2000, director: Ron Howard)

I have to confess that I haven’t seen the original animated short in full length. All I know is that Dr. Seuss knows how to write rhymes which just feel right (that’s why Horton Hears A Who also worked). Of course it’s impossible to compare the source material to the almost 2-hour-long movie, but what I can say is that it never feels drawn-out, boring or too sentimental. Many people (especially the German audience) brushed it off as another one of those “typical season movies the Americans are so good at and the idealistic US audience seems to like). But what those (I call them stone-hearted) people miss is the fact that even Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is heavy on the moral, and so many other Christmas movies are trying desperately to mix drama with lighthearted humor (especially in Germany; there’s this awful talking-dog-movies-series “Willy Wuff” I despised to watch…), but seldom succeed.
Here we have a fully-colored world with strange-looking (and maybe too cute for some adults or too weird-looking for small children) inhabitants of Whoville. Still what’s really fun about it is that they behave like normal people (especially in a scene where neighbors compare their house decorations), so there’s an underlying criticism. Without going any further in this direction, a few words about Jim Carrey’s performance: He IS the Grinch, there’s no doubt about it. Not every gesture or joke might work (and there ARE some annoying sequences with an oh-so-cute-little doggie), but he plays and looks the part. What’s also cool are the flashbacks how the Grinch became this misanthropic character. It’s always the humor which keeps the viewer engaged, together with some neat special effects and a weird setting. And let’s not forget the off-key singing parts, especially with the little (and this time “cute” in a positive sense) girl who has this look of innocence about Christmas…but who also likes to ask the right questions no one of the adults seem to ask themselves.

Rating: 7/10
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Prolonged shortness of ideas
And that’s the problem with reviews: Either they don’t tell you enough or too much. How many times do you get a full-length explanation of plot development, character motivation etc. in a movie review? I still want to watch the damn thing, right? I don’t need a page-long discussion of psychological analysis, same with the endless inclusions of worn-out expressions like “masterpiece”, “impressive” and so on.
I can understand how game reviews go a bit deeper, especially when the explanation of game mechanics are crucial as they either make or break the experience. But again they so often go too far and tell the reader things he should experience first-hand, like set-pieces in an action game or story development in an adventure title.
I confess that this happened to me too and will happen again when writing about an adventure game as the genre doesn’t offer much variety in gameplay, so you’re left with story, characters, setting.

Inform the reader that you don’t have a clue either, but a wide repertoire of words
Still it’s a thin line to walk between informing the reader if the thing is for him (be it a movie, game, CD, book etc.) and just shutting the hell up when it’s appropriate…especially if one doesn’t even want to write about it anyway.
I’ve tried to apply some typical ways of writing reviews in my blog, i.e. giving an outline of what the plot of a film is like. But I found out that this is quite a waste of time. You can read that for yourself on the backcover of BDs/DVDs or on IMDB. Usually when I want to see a movie, I’d even avoid watching a trailer. Sometimes pictures are enough information for me and I make up my own mind. A movie might be seen in a better light if you talk about technical details like camera work, and (well) lightning, or you go the political/social/psychological commentary-way,
still IMHO this doesn’t tell you a whole lot about the whole package/experience. You can bombard me with how great the acting and the truthfulness of the source material in a film (again this critics’ jargon, making a distinction between film and movie!) like “Walk The Line” is, for me it’s still a boring 2-3 hours.

You are “we” and I tell you what to think
Another thing which constantly gets on my nerves when reading reviews is the way some writers address you directly, trying to establish a bond. Maybe it works with some people (or all, if this continues the way it does), but for me I always feel like someone is trying to pull my leg, making me stupid and uninformed. The German magazine PC Games which I loved reading at the beginning of my PC gaming experience (some 20 years ago) has become a joke of and in itself, being nothing more than a tabloid, making assumptions the reader is easily amused by references to German pop culture and politics. Maybe it’s just me, but if I want to have rolling-my-eyes-level humor, I’d watch some awful German comedians, not read a gaming magazine.
The repetitive use of “we”, “you” (aright, I use that one once in a while as well, but after all blogging is a more personal style and direct) is another thing which bugs me. I can see its implication, the general dilemma of the invisible audience, no direct reader-response, the “lonely writer”, but why does it always have to be generalizations, as if everyone watches a movie or plays a game like that?
I know it’s a completely subjective way of reading and it’s not to discriminate journalists who write like that, but for me I found out it’s not my style. As much as I love the UK magazine GamesTM (the way they take gaming culture and the evolution of the genre serious, maybe sometimes a bit too much), sometimes I wish there would be a bit more individuality, faces/names to appear after the articles and less superiority over the reader or humor which doesn’t work, at least for me.

The gist of it all: just keep it short and snappy!
So the only valid way for me to give an opinion about the material I write a review about, to give a recommendation or a Don’t-even-bother statement is trying to explain it in a more emotional way, point out some elements which I found pretty unique compared to other things I’ve seen/played before. Of course this can also lead to some rambling on, jumping between one thought and another, losing coherence. And in the end being so emotionally-influenced in THAT situation after re-watching/re-playing it, I could have a completely different opinion. But then again we all form our opinions that way, even though putting it down on paper, transforming thoughts into text (be it on the internet or on old-school paper) it might give you a new perspective. You in a general sense, not making any other implications.

Saturday, June 11th
Even in the early hours of morning, the mayhem with zombie goodness continues…

Dead & Breakfast
(USA 2004, director: Matthew Leutwyler)

Another zombie comedy flick, even though it takes a while before the brain-munching people show up. I guess the German FSK censorship people only watched the first part and then gave it a 16+ rating without knowing about the rest, because what happens afterwards is one hell of a splatter feast. Sure it’s silly and the story is nothing to write home about, but there are lots of stupid and likeable characters, funny one-liners and situation comedy to keep you entertained. What’s also quite interesting is the way the events are told: a band playing songs and singing in country/rock and even rap-style about what’s happening (in the credits retelling the whole movie). You can’t go wrong with singing, dancing AND organized zombies, now can you? It may not be the next Braindead (and most definitely doesn’t have anything to do with Shaun of the Dead as it says on the cover), but it’s a funny little flick to pass the midnight time.

Rating: 7/10
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Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
(USA 2006, director: Lloyd Kaufman)

Like Cannibal – The Musical there’s something to be said about the “acting” qualities and overall way a Troma movie is presented. This could be the closest it gets to mainstream as the tunes are quite catchy, the actors seem to be capable of more and there’s actually a story. But then again there’s lots of gore which puts even Rodriguez’ final From Dusk Till Dawn fights to shame, it has gratuitous nudity and overacting of the extras. This doesn’t mean it’s not fun to watch. Just the idea of having a fast food restaurant built on an old Indian burial ground and then having undead chicken people going on a rampage is in a way pretty unique. There’s quite a lot of social criticism to be found in the songs as well, even though they are cleverly (or not so cleverly) hidden behind sometimes off-key singing and dancing. It’s tasteless fun which has you craving for more, just like fast food itself. And seeing Lloyd Kaufman, the director of this movie and producer of so many others, making an ass out of himself has to be seen to be believed. Maybe that’s why beyond the whole silliness and bad acting this is more enjoyable and genuine than most big blockbuster comedies (or other genres).

Rating: 7/10
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Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical
(USA 2005, director: Andy Fickman)

Another full-blown musical, this time with not so much gore (even though there is some at the end) and more songs, the genius twist being that it’s an adaptation of a 30ies-propaganda movie against marijuana (which is also included as a special feature on the BD/DVD). Even though I usually don’t like most musicals with their sugar-coated songwriting, I really enjoyed this one (my favorite songs being Mary Jane or Romeo and Juliet). It had me laughing all the way through (which only happens in very few movies), I really liked every actor’s/actress’s performance, simply everything. The use of black and white telling the story of the educational film presentation and the oh so colorful happenings with the downfall of the over-the-top goody-two-shoes 30ies-characters help making it like Fido a heartwarming and highly entertaining musical.

Rating: 10/10
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Creepshow
(USA 1982, director: George A. Romero)

Okay, actually this doesn’t even count as a zombie flick because there are only two episodes with those brain-munching characters, but never mind. Like the popular TV show Tales From The Crypt (which will hopefully be treated in an upcoming blog entry), it tells individual horror stories which are both twisted and gory, even though the special effects and make-up didn’t age that well (even if it’s not as bad as Romero’s Dawn of the Dead). Unlike the series there’s no introduction by the Cryptkeeper (a wisecracking rotting corpse), but rather a frame story with a boy reading the original Tales From The Crypt comics who is tyrannized by his father, which, as you can probably imagine, doesn’t end well.
The first story, Father’s Day, is the weakest of the bunch and involves a family get together, only with the father being dead and taking revenge. There’s really not much more to it, it’s slow paced, no twists, everything’s so predictable. Rather skip this one.
The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill about a farmer who gets infected with a plant virus from a meteorite (which literally grows on him) is very entertaining, especially with the atrociously bad acting of Stephen King (who also wrote the screenplay). It’s funny and sad at the same time making it a huge step forward from the first lame episode.
Something To Tide You Over is a very sick story with Leslie Nielsen (well-known for his Naked Gun role) who likes to watch people get drowned while being buried in the sand with only their heads sticking out. This is also an episode which was completely left out in the German version (the uncut movie is on the Index and the available DVD has so many cuts that it’s not even watchable), which is really a shame because it’s funny to watch and at the same time makes you pretty uncomfortable with Nielsen’s convincing performance. Of course it’s a bit predictable later on and the make-up doesn’t hold up to today’s standards.
The Crate is another great tale about a professor who somehow wants to get rid of his abusive drunken wife and finds the solution in a recently discovered crate where something sinister is waiting to feed. What makes the episode so good is that it’s quite scary (even with the make-up this time) and the professor’s imagined scenes of killing his wife are implemented so well that you don’t really know if it’s really happening. The dialogue between him and her is also highly reminiscent of Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and is a joy to watch.
They’re Creeping Up On You is about a Scrooged-like business man who lives in a clinically clean and sealed-off apartment. But he finds out that more and more roaches get in. A great little tale which is disgusting, scary and funny and encompasses all the virtues the original series has going for it. Not much else to say about it.

Rating: 7/10
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Saturday, June 11th
Fido
(USA 2006, director: Andrew Currie)

Combining a Pleasantville style atmosphere (50ies/60ies utopian society) with horror elements, that is zombies as part of community service, is an ingenious idea from the start, and the execution doesn’t disappoint. Very good actors (adults and children alike), a nice musical score and cool ideas and funny situations make up for one of the best horror comedies with not too much blood, but enough laughter to appeal to a broader audience. Maybe it looks a bit too clean sometimes and lacks a bit of suspense and interesting characters, but all in all it works quite well and is nice entertainment for a rainy Sunday afternoon, even though it was a sunny Saturday noon we watched it.
Rating: 8/10
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Zombieland
(USA 2009, director: Ruben Fleischer)

Another zombie comedy, but a bit less innovative, playing with the concept of a post-apocalyptic world after zombies decimated most of its people. This time the zombies aren’t of your old-fashioned slow-moving or stumbling variety, they are pretty fast. But if you know the rules, like the main protagonist does (and they are prompted on screen in big letters), there’s still a chance for survival. There’s a bit more blood and gore in it, but it doesn’t take itself too serious, except maybe for some emotional and rather clicheed situations. The highlight (next to Woody Harrelsons greed for Twinkies) is most definitely Bill Murrays cameo…as himself. There’s a lot to like here, action, humor, dialogues, really nothing to go wrong with, even though the running zombies and the story is nothing new or to get excited about. Just entertaining.
Rating: 8/10
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Dawn of the Dead (Remake)
(USA 2004, director: Zack Snyder)

Another running-zombies-flick and also a remake of Romero’s classic (which got a pretty stupid German title, even though it tells almost all there is to this movie: zombies in the shopping mall). I already watched the original and found it (purists may get the stones ready) rather boring and a bit ridiculous at times, especially with the bad make-up. Now Zack Snyder’s version is the definitive zombie flick for me, as it has claustrophic elements, lots of action and some neat ideas (shooting zombies as a leisure-time activity from the rooftops). There aren’t a lot of characters to like, but in a way one cares about them anyway, or at least one can’t wait what horrible death awaits them. Even with a runtime of nearly two hours it doesn’t have any dull or boring moments, there’s always something happening, usually with lots of blood and gore, something which is sadly lacking in Snyder’s latest movie and complete failure Sucker Punch. What’s also interesting to note is that the German version of the original is still on the index and only available in a cut 18+ version whereas the remake is a lot heavier on the graphical violence and has even more disturbing content.
Rating: 8/10
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Braindead
(New Zealand 1992)

Before Peter Jackson went mainstream with his Lord-of-the-Rings-trilogy, he delivered one of the goriest and also funniest splatter movies of all time. Just the idea of using a landmower to decimate the horde of zombies is not only brilliant but great in execution, and the whole bloody mess has to be see to be believed. There are so many cool scenes, like a priest who “kicks arse for the lord”, it would take away some of the fun if anything more is spoiled. Don’t be put off by the overacting and silly music or you miss one hell of a bloody fun ride which still holds up today. Can’t wait for the BD release as the DVD already showed its age with not-so-great picture or sound quality. I don’t care about the extended BD-edition of LOTR as this HAS to get a restorated version. But unfortunately probably not for the German audience, as the uncut version is still not only on the index, but banned. Something which is (like the original Dawn of the Dead) hard to understand, as it’s nothing more than a fun ride and (except for one touching anaesthesia scene) doesn’t have any offending subject matter to take it seriously at all. A shame for German censorship again .
Rating: 9/10
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Piranha (2010)
(USA 2010, director: Alexandre Ajas)

Alexandre Ajas seems to be the enfant terrible to many people when it comes to remakes. A lot of them hate him as he can’t tell a story and takes too many liberties with his source material, others find his reimaginings better than the original ones. I belong to the latter category, especially since he really knows how to use gore effectively. There’s never any washed-down compromise he makes in order to please everyone. That’s also the case with this movie. To begin with, Dante’s flick wasn’t in any way influential or did something completely original. It always felt like a more trashy version of Spielberg’s Jaws, but with less talking and more killing. It wasn’t a very good movie either as it took some time until the little beasts went on a rampage. In the remake you don’t have to wait, it already happens in the first couple of minutes. Then unfortunately it is let down a bit by some rather annoying characters and gratuitous nudity, although one has to be fair to say some is done in the context of the location (a rave party at the end of the American semester) and some is just so over-the-top (an underwater ballet) it’s almost brilliant in execution.
But we’re not here to discuss the merits of boobs, bums and what have you, but the piranhas themselves. And they are a vicious bunch. It’s safe to say that the last 30 minutes or so show a carnage seldom seen in animal horror and pretty bloody even in Ajas’ terms. So, yes it delivers more than the original does, and it even has Christopher Lloyd in a cameo as a nutty animal shop owner!
When it comes to the 3D effects, they are a bit of a disappointment. They’re without a doubt no selling point. I watched it on 2D and it works without the glasses pretty well. Only two scenes (one silly and one a bit too long and too obvious) stick out, so do the underwater scenes in their depth (not only in the nude ballet). The only problem one has is that the red/green-glasses solution doesn’t look very good. Especially in dark places it’s difficult to make out some details (but this was already a problem with the real glasses in the cinema!) and there’s no point in watching a horror flick without seeing red blood, is there?

Rating: 7/10
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Mega Piranha
(USA 2010, director: Eric Forsberg)

There are some movies which are so bad that you shake your head how this could have been released (like Troll 2), but which are entertaining nonetheless. Mega Piranha is one such movie. It has all the right (or wrong) ingredients: very bad acting (the main character only seems to have two facial expressions, the former 80ies singer Tiffany doesn’t even seem to know what acting is), awful special effects (some disguised in very dark scenes at night), not to forget a soundtrack and cinematography which are completely missing the point. Its fast pacing and changing of story (?) segments and scenery reminds you of Michael Bay productions, but they seldom fit in together. Characters and places are introduced in snapshot-fashion and text describing their position or purpose. It’s unbelievably fast, stupid and so hilarious you can’t help but laugh. Unlike other The-Asylum-productions the delivery of the lines, the action scenes and everything else is done in an over-the-top style it’s not getting boring. Of course it’s utter nonsense and doesn’t in the least compare with Ajas’ remake, but then it’s a completely different story with bad actors and very bad special effects.
The same can be said about the 3D version. So far only available in Germany, it looked suspicious as it wasn’t shot in 3D. Again only using the red/green glasses (unlike the option on the UK BD of Piranha to switch to the 3D-BD) I first thought they just mixed up the colors so that you had to use them in a different way (like some other publishers did with the very bad 3D-versions of A.P.E.). Still you only get a slight hint of depth in some scenes. But what makes the 3D version really bad is that details are lost (a weird mixture between BD and DVD picture quality) and the framerate isn’t consistent. So they messed up big time. Avoid the 3D version at any cost, give the B/C-movie a chance, though!

Rating: 5/10 (0/10 for the 3D version)
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Red Sonja
(USA 1985, director: Richard Fleischer)

It’s funny that Schwarzenegger’s face and body is so prominently shown on the cover (at least of the UK BD), even though he doesn’t appear that often in the movie. And when he does he usually runs against the general idea of it, mainly the fearless, mighty female warrior fighting against evil. Arnie always shows up when she’s in distress, again stressing the “damsel in distress” cliché, and of course the romance doesn’t really work. So what about the rest of the movie? Some bad acting, yes, some bad special effects, yes and a rather dull story, yes of course. But is it still fun? In a way, one can enjoy the overall silliness (especially with two other characters, an annoying little prince and his clumsy companion). The music is great too, so are the background visuals, the fantasy vistas. There’s also quite a memorable fight in the water (which looks a bit dated, sure, but it’s pretty cool nonetheless). Still there’s not enough suspense or humour to keep you interested all the way through, especially since the scenes feel pretty disconnected and don’t form a coherent whole.

Rating: 5/10
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Red Heat
(USA 1988, director: Walter Hill)

A polit-thriller with Arnie? Does this actually work? It does in a weird kinda way, so does his usually atrociously bad acting as it fits his role, the same goes for his imitation of a Russian accent which isn’t as annoying as his typical American-Austrian mix.
The story itself is a bit boring and lacks some memorable action scenes or suspense, but what works rather well is the relationship between Schwarzenegger’s and Belushi’s characters. They could have used a bit more screen time together, but when they have their moments, especially when they discuss their past or more entertainingly their different methods of interrogation, it works beautifully.
Of course there’s a political undertone and a message behind the buddy-movie jokes and action scenes, but just like Walter Hill’s The Warriors one could easily forget about it and just watch it as an entertainment flick. It does to a certain degree deliver some fun, but there are way better action buddy-movies out there, even though some one-liners are pretty good.

Rating: 6/10
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Night of the Demons
(USA 2009, director: Adam Gierasch)

Zero expectations, only the bargain price of around 5 GBP made me buy this BD. It looked like an okay-splatter movie, cool creature masks, nice-looking girls. Not much to go wrong… and it surprisingly delivered, at least most of the times. The beginning is a bit slow, some of the joke scenes and the music-video-clip-aesthetics seems a bit overdone, but in the second half and especially the ending the action really kicks in, and there are quite some gruesome special effects, excellent masks and yes, Shannon Elizabeth as a demon. All in all it might not be the best demon-horror movie, but you get the feeling it wasn’t meant to be. It’s a remake of an already not-well-praised movie from the late 80s (which I haven’t seen yet; there are two sequels as well) with quite a few suprises up its sleeve and some kick-ass action, pretty violent too. At some points it even evokes a little bit of old-school Romero-claustrophobic-no-escape-atmosphere. Recommended if you want something silly with lots of blood and action, accompanied with rock’n'roll, punk, metal-music, after getting through the first 30-45 minutes. What’s also quite nice is how some flashbacks are done with a filter so that you think you’re watching an old movie… until someone gets decapitated.

Rating: 7/10
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7eventy 5ive
(USA 2007, directors: Brian Hooks, Deon Taylor)

Just another slasher movie which brings together a couple of kids in a big villa who party all night and then are picked off one by one with the axe. Nothing original, but the formula doesn’t really get old for me. Only problem in this case is that the movie isn’t any good at all. Some of the most annoying characters, no story, no suspense, uninspired killing sequences? That’s what’s giving slasher movies a bad name. Admittedly the killer is pretty fast and kills without mercy (even though he could have get rid of the characters in the first 10 minutes to get it over with as well), there’s a lot of blood, but other than that there’s not much going on. Boring dialogues, except for the cool main theme song no catchy songs or atmospheric music. And whatever they paid Rutger Hauer to be in it, it was either a lot or he was in desperate need for the money. Watch the first rather intense 10 minutes and forget about the rest. You won’t miss much.
It’s also highly suspicious that one of the directors (How did two people actually come up with zero plot and no ideas? “Based on true events” doesn’t really help much either) plays one character in this disastrously boring flick?

Rating: 1/10
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Ghost Ship
(USA/Australia 2002, director: Steve Beck)

Like other Dark Castle-productions which are remakes of original, classic horror movies, this is just a reimagining with better special effects and more gore. I still haven’t seen the original movie, so I can’t give any comparisons.
After a pretty violent start the movie can’t really decide what it wants to be: there’s definitely not enough horror (read: ghosts) and atmosphere to make it scary. The action scenes are a bit too dramatic and the characters themselves don’t deliver any memorable lines or are in the least interesting. What is left is a lukewarm approach to a cool idea (even if nothing new) which gets an interesting twist at the end, but all in all it doesn’t have much going for it. Like the first House on Haunted Hill there’s simply not enough happening to keep the audience interested.

Rating: 5/10
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Open Water
(USA 2003, director: Chris Kentis)

Many people seem to criticize this movie as one “long amateur vacation video”. In a way that’s completely true, at least for the first half an hour. But what most forget is that, like Paranormal Activity, this actually works in two ways: you get to know the characters and the whole scene becomes more real than if you just throw the audience into the scary part. And it’s really nerve racking to see the protagonists struggling in the water. The idea is simple (as it’s inspired by true events; even though I usually take such a statement with a pinch of salt) and the execution works. One might argue that the scenes outside the dangerous situations (showing tourists enjoying themselves at parties or the mundane, busy street life going on as usual) are unnecessary and deviate from the experience, but I think that’s not the case here, as it makes the predicament the two protagonists have to face more tragic.
After watching it again and knowing what happens there is of course a slight lack of suspense, but what keeps the movie interesting is the interaction between the characters. It’s always a risky business to rely on few people in a closed environment as they can be quite annoying (see the Spanish shaky-camera-failing of R.E.C. or Kidnapped) and if the dialogues fall flat it can become a very boring experience. But Open Water has so many great dialogue scenes which range from funny to touching. It makes you realize how alone you are in the middle of the ocean and how vulnerable you can be, how human. So it’s not only a scary, suspenseful movie, but one which works on a psychological level as well. More like a stage drama, only that the theatre is flooded and full of sharks.

Rating: 9/10
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Open Water 2: Adrift
(Germany 2006, director: Hans Horn)

Sequels to low-budget-hits (or any other movies) are always a hit-or-miss result, building on the success of the original and either doing the same all over again (which can work) or doing something completely different (which most often doesn’t fare that well). You just have to take away the number from the title and you’ll see that there’s not much the movies have in common except for people being “stuck” at sea. Too bad that the “based on true events”-formula doesn’t cut it this time. A couple of idiots (there’s no other way to describe them) first show themselves in their college time being drunk and annoying and years later in their late 20ies, early 30ies have this great idea to take to the sea where no one’s around… and after everyone jumps into the water, the most stupid one of them decides to jump right after with an aquaphobia (childhood trauma)-riddled mother (whose baby is left on the boat). Only problem: The ladder is still up, so they can’t get back on the boat.
Okay, so people act stupid in a stress-related situation, but what follows are the most make-my-head-hurt inducing actions and dumbest situations I’ve seen in a movie: One guy tries to dive under the boat to find an entrance, loses his knife, then dives to catch it, realizes that he doesn’t have the lungs of a fish, surfaces… and hits his head on the underside of the boat, suffering a skull fracture. Later another guy tries to crack the boat with his knife, tries to climb and accidentally (while struggling with another idiot) drives it into his chest.
Of course it’s quite a gruesome situation dying in front of the only escape (and if you get over the stupid main idea, there is actually some suspense), but if you don’t care about the characters (including the baby on board which seems like another desperate way to capture the audience’s sympathy), you really wish the sharks of the original would finally finish them off. Too bad there aren’t any. So, yes, it’s slowly dying at sea again, facing each character’s vulnerability, but in comparison to Open Water, this flick doesn’t have the same intensity (in no small amount due to the mediocre music and camera work, and of course the bad acting) and doesn’t in the least deserve the connection to the original (which is funny because the UK DVD doesn’t even have the Open Water title). A missed opportunity and as a film on its own a complete disaster. The reason for that could also be that this was done by a German director and another German camera man who tried in vain to include some psychological artsy-fartsy style which doesn’t work on any level whatsoever.

Rating: 2/10
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Mortal Kombat
(USA 1995, director: Paul Anderson)

I remember being very excited when this came out in 1995. I was a huge fan of the games, even though I wasn’t actually allowed to play them (in legal terms) as they were 18+ age restricted and later even banned in Germany (and still are, at least the first three and I lost count/interest with the other 3D-reimaginings). Of course that’s always the safest way to make young people/adolescent thrillseekers interested in those games even more. Just look at Dukem Nukem 3D or Doom when they came out: All the controversies surrounding them only helped the cause of the developers/publishers to promote them. The selling point was, of course, the violence. In Mortal Kombat it was the way you could finish off your opponent with a so-called, well, finishing move. Decapitation, ripping out someone’s backbone, all the nice stuff. There wasn’t much more to it.
Unfortunately the movie adaptation lacks any of these glorious moments. It’s a PG 13-flick (even though in Germany it got an 18+ and now on BD a 16+ restriction), so there’s not really much violence happening. There’s also a lot of intentional humor which doesn’t really work. The bad acting could be forgiven, the fight scenes are fun, but a bit too slow, so what’s left? One could find inconsistencies of the character’s presentation, but as there’s not much story or interaction between them in the game anyway (after all, they just beat the crap out of each other and pull each other’s guts out), it’s a bit unfair to dwell on that. So do the fight scenes deliver? They do partly, because I always had the feeling as if the actors went a bit too slow and that without the cool soundtrack (“Mooooooortal Kooooombat!”) it wouldn’t look half as fast. So what remains is a no-brainer with a pseudo-story and a more-or-less funny Christopher Lambert. Nothing to be excited about, nothing reeeeally bad, but also nothing reeeeeally good either.
It’s interesting to note that many years later the director Paul Anderson would really hit it with the first Resident Evil movie which admittedly didn’t have much to do with the games either, but at least had a decent amount of violence, blood and gore and a faster pacing to do the franchise justice. Something which is, unfortunately, completely lacking in this adaptation and makes it rather pointless.

Rating: 5/10
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Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
(USA 1997, director: John R. Leonetti)

After the mediocre first movie and the less than average ratings and opinions about this sequel, my expectations weren’t that high, especially since it had a 12+ age restriction on it (next to the weird German 18+). So I thought this would just be another lame attempt to cash in on the franchise, and promoting it on the backcover with “From the camera man who worked in the original Mortal Kombat and Piranha 2010)” didn’t help much either. But I was pretty much surprised when the first fight scenes started. They are faster and more in-your-face that the original. Sure the story and characters are even more nonsensical and there’s some horribly bad acting involved, but just like Masters of the Universe this doesn’t necessarily mean a bad thing as long as it’s not boring. I thought the movie was entertaining throughout, no dragging along some bad joking which happened with the Johnny Cage character (with obvious reasons)a lot in the last one. I don’t really remember all the characters of the second game, but some make their appearances and even though they look a bit silly in their rubber suits, masks or bad CGI effects, it’s still fun to recognize them. And because there are more pointy weapons (and guns!) to be used, the action seems more immediate than in the other PG 13-movie (which makes you wonder how the hell it got a 12+ age restriction and how the German 18+ actually hits the right key at some points).
So it’s pretty much the same nonsense with different actors (the new Raiden isn’t such a bad substitute for Christopher Lambert who I found a bit annoying with his lines in the first movie anyway), the same cool soundtrack, but with faster fight scenes and some cool ideas borrowing from the games. Now if it would only include some real fatalities or babalities, that would be awesome. Rob Zombie, if you read this, what about a remake with some real blood and guts, gore excellence? This 2.x or 3.0 imdb-rating movie really makes me want to try out the third one and the short-lived Conquest-series (which haven’t been released on BD yet) .
And what the hell is this? A short MK movie released in 2010 with a rating of 8.0?!

Rating: 6/10
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